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The (actual) Writing Process.

Let’s all be blatantly honest- anyone with a brain and an eighth grade diploma has had “the writing process,” the bane of students everywhere, drilled into their brain like Stalin-love in Soviet Russia. “Pre-write, Rough Draft, Revise, Edit, Publish” or some variation thereof, is almost as likely to start dismayed groaning in a class room as the words “and now we’ll watch a movie about why your thighs are sticky when you wake up.”

For my part, I see this all as a load of crap. Writing an essay, a story, a memoir of a geisha, or any other form of literary gold (or literary cubic zirconia, for that matter) requires much more work than drawing a spider diagram and putting words on a paper. Thus, I have decided to make my own __ step process to show my feelings on what the actual writing process is. That is, it’s what my writing process generally is.


The (Mythical, Fabulous, and Very Slimming!) Writing Process.


Step 1: Daydream in class until you have a cohesive idea of what you want the story, poem, or ode to joy to be about.

Step 2: Turn on your computer and open Microsoft Word/ Wordperfect/ Notepad/ your datebook/ whatever you’re planning on using to write.

Step 3: Stare blankly at the screen for approximately five minutes, all the while realizing your cohesive idea just shat all over your brain.

Step 4: Realizing the futility of writing, open AIM and chat with friends about last week’s episode of That’s So Raven Lost.

Step 5: Bring your mouse pointer down, click on Microsoft Word, and bring the empty document back up.

Step 6: Force a paragraph out, realize it sucks, backspace (despite the fact that ctrl A + Delete would be much more convenient) and proceed to stare at blank canvas again until you feel like Microsoft Word is actually cursing at you in binary behind the screen (or five minutes, again).

Step 6: Idly wonder why there are two step sixes.

Step 8: See what I did there?

Step 9: Open up myspace, facebook, and livejournal, once again believing that your muse will somehow visit you while you’re off getting the juicy gossip on how many relationships have died in the past weekend day hour minute.

Step 10: Go to class, realizing you have got absolutely nothing done.

Step 11: Re-daydream in class about the ideas you came up with in the first class, and how you’re seriously going to sit down and write when you get back from class.

Step 12: Repeat steps 2-10 at your leisure.

Step 13: After hours of procrastinating, buckle down, close every other program you have open (World of Warcraft doesn’t work well on your campus, anyway) and proceed to write until your ideas have vomited themselves onto the paper like Hemingways nightcaps.

Step 14: Decide what you wrote has sucked, but you’re not going to delete it since the entire process has taken you the better part of the day.

Step 15:  Ask your boyfriend to go over your story and tell you how much it sucks and what needs to be changed.

Step 16: Edit in the changes boyfriend/ friends have made.

Step 17: Post to livejournal in a sorry attempt to get other people to help you edit your own work, since you don’t feel like it.

Step 18: Edit in the changes livejournal people suggested you make.

Step 19: Sit back, admire your final copy.

Step 20: Realize you have a final draft of a story, and have absolutely nothing to show for it but a loss of self-esteem and half your day. Pure. Fucking. Win.

Oh, and for your viewing pleasure:


Copy and paste it, kthnx.



( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 5th, 2008 12:06 am (UTC)
amazing. and totally how my writing process went yesterday, but you already knew that.

And, if we're getting our boyfriends to edit our papers, then you and I, we're boyfriend and boyfriend.

although I'm not entirely sure how that last comment will work.

oh, and I feel like after the month day weekend hour minute thing, you should put a comma after each.

oh, and in your intro thing.. it's zirconia.
Feb. 5th, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
Xirconia edited.

But the weekend day hour thing is supposed to imply they're not really there, and commas don't fit in a sentence where the things they're separating don't exist.
Feb. 5th, 2008 03:10 am (UTC)
Makes sense :)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )


Josh! not at the disco.

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